Using the Conditional: 

19 Sep

I dont ussually regret. I call it ‘using the conditional’, a term I picked up from a French teacher, it refers to the verb conjugations: wouldve, could’ve etc. “Humans love to worry and obsess over things they can’t control, the past, and impossible wishes”. I don’t do it much but by analysing a mistake I can try to move forward more wisely.

One of my biggest regrets is going to college in my hometown, a small town in Oregon.

I felt stuck by money, circumstance, the daunting prospect of transfering. 

I believe I cheated myself out of the growth of being out from under my parents roof. And did it really save me that much money? College still managed to drain so much of my funds. 

Of course by focusing on the ‘what could have been’, I’m ignoring the countless ways I did grow and memories I shared with people. But I know that the choice to stay & study here caused me to have bouts of depression related to feeling stuck, stagnant, and ‘alone’. 

I made the best of this choice, but why I didn’t think to change it is beyond me. It culminated in me exploding all my energy and funds into a study abroad which luckily I will allow to shape my life henceforth. 

There is only forward, and now. So what can I learn from this ‘mistake’? Well, don’t let the system hold you in place, explore your options and jump out. Dont let past mistakes weigh you down, look at the good, and vow to move past it. 

In a way am I doing the same thing again right now with my fall term at UofO? Maybe… I think I got screwed this whole time by that cursed university, so its hard to think I’m giving them another 10 weeks. One fall season. It feels raw and terrible to have to go back again, but after I win that expensive piece of paper from those fuckers I can go elsewhere. 

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